Feelings matter! Helping a People Through Tough Emotions
Quite often we are caught in a situation where a friend or a partner or even a child is going through something emotional and more often than not, that leaves us feeling awkward, vulnerable or even completely helpless because most of us have not been taught how to help other people cope with their emotions. Some of us have even been taught that feeling emotions is a sign of weakness. As a result, our first reaction might be to distract the other person to make them smile – in order for them to display an emotion that is far more socially acceptable and easy to be around.
Some might even tell the person feeling emotion to toughen up…
The problem with those techniques is that potentially the person feeling the emotion may start to think that what they are feeling is wrong. And as a result of feeling that the emotion is wrong, they might then start feel guilt or shame for having felt that emotion. And this means that the person who is your friend, partner or child, now also feels unworthy and invalid.
Which is not how you want someone you care about to feel!
Emotions are important aspects of our lives. They indicate to us what is right and wrong in our lives so that we have the opportunity to make changes as necessary… in the case of negative emotions. Negative emotions also indicate to us that there is something we need to learn about or pay attention to – or even something that needs to be healed. Without emotions, we would be unfeeling and stagnate… What would be the point?
So how do you help someone who is close to you?
The most important aspect is to encourage them to acknowledge and then work through the emotion they are feeling.
Become aware of the other person’s emotion
Pay attention to those who are close to you. Many people “put on a happy face” even when they are feeling broken and vulnerable. Use your intuition and check in by asking “How are you really?”
Care about the other person’s emotion by seeing it as valid and important
Ensure that your friend, partner or child understands that they are important and valid to you therefore the emotion that they are feeling is also important and valid. Allow them to feel comfortable and safe showing what they are really feeling to you.
Listen empathetically to the other person’s emotion in an attempt to understand the way they feel
Give the person the time and space to identify what they are feeling, and maybe identify the triggers which caused them to feel that way.
For example, the person may be feeling angry and hurt about a particular situation but the root cause of that emotion is that something about that situation made them feel insecure. Therefore the anger and hurt are symptoms rather than the root cause of the problem.
Acknowledge and validate their feelings (they need to know that it is a valid thing for them to feel the way that they feel)
This is where your empathy skills come in. You might do this by saying, “Wow… I would feel exactly the same if that happened to me.” Do not offer advice at this point… just be present and supportive.
Allow the person to feel the way they feel and to experience their emotion fully before moving toward any kind of improvement in the way that they feel
Most people didn’t learn how to effectively experience and express their emotions. But not experiencing and expressing emotions can have devastating consequences on not only our psychological health, but our physical health also.
Let your friend, partner or child express the emotion fully. You may encourage them to cry on your shoulder as you hold them lovingly, quietly and patiently or if the emotion is anger, give them a pool noodle to use to wack something… or a piece of paper so that they can get all of the “stuff” that they are feeling out by writing it. Remember to get them to burn the paper once it is done in order to fully release it.
After … yes only AFTER their feelings have been validated and acknowledged and fully felt, help the other person to strategise ways to manage the reactions they might be having to their emotion (this is where advice can be offered).
This is when you can start to give advice or to empower them to work through their own solutions. If something needs to change in their life, then maybe helping them work out the steps to take. Remember, change is scary to most of us so it is important that they know that they are loved and supported throughout the process.
In some cases, it may be important for the person to seek further healing from a professional in order to release emotional blocks or even to assist in identifying exactly where the underlying cause originated.
And remember, YOUR emotions are important to! You can use these steps to work through your own emotions also!
If you or your friend, partner or child think that I could help using my intuitive counselling, hypnotherapy and life coaching skills, please do not hesitate to contact me on 0407 749 025 or email me here.
